With all the changes in our lives and in the lives of people around us, I’ve been thinking about how hard it is to weather life alone.
When I was eight months pregnant with our first daughter, my husband was in a mountain biking accident that put him in Harborview Medical Center for nearly a month and left him unable to walk on his own until she was three months old. A difficult emergency C-section and post-partum depression meant that as much as I was truly grateful for the fact that my husband was healing and that I was holding the most precious gift imaginable in my new daughter – it also felt like I was often on the verge of a complete breakdown. It was the non-stop little things that seemed unbearable. We were living in Washington at the time, and my family came from Alaska as often as they could, and stayed as long as they could. My very pregnant sister came from Hawaii, and helped at the hospital, and when he came home, pushing my husband in his wheel chair almost 2 miles each way just to get him outside. Many times my childhood friend, Tonja, drove the nearly four hours from Port Angeles, often bringing her own kids. She’d tuck my daughter into the ergo and catch up my dishes, do laundry, stock my fridge, prep meals and more. I, we, could not have survived without their constant support. In between their visits it was hard and it was lonely and only a few people showed up on a few occasions to stand in those seemingly insignificant gaps that threatened to undo us. People would call, or see me and say, “let me know how I can help” and I’d smile and say “thanks”. For some reason, it still just never quite feels like you can really ask anyone to do anything. It never really feels like you should ask; it always feels as if you should be able to just do it all yourself.
Still, I was completely overwhelmed, so pride was crushed and I actually did specifically ask different people to help with one task – walking the dog. A couple people did, a few times. The thing is, an athletic dog like we have needs more than just a quick potty break; he needs a good run or long walk regularly, let alone over a span of four month plus some. Believe it or not, because we lived in a fourth floor condo, just getting him downstairs to potty at least twice a day was challenging. It was unnerving to leave my husband alone when he couldn’t walk and I certainly wasn’t going to leave him alone with the baby to run the dog. The point is, I wondered, I still wonder, why didn’t more people show up more often to do something as simple as walk the dog?
Thing is, I am not exempt from the same lack of action on behalf of others. I can look back on the life events of friends and family and see that often I did not take the opportunities to stand in the gap for people I cared about too. Why? Is life really that busy? Did I think it didn’t matter? Did I just not notice?
So as Thanksgiving approaches, here is what I am resolved to celebrate: authentic gratefulness not just for those who showed up consistently but for the few who showed up when they did – because every single person who stood in any of our gaps made it possible for us to survive that period of struggle.
I am resolved to practice that gratefulness by looking for opportunities to stand in the gap for others. We can’t say “yes” to every need, but we can say “yes” to some. For Thanksgiving this year, I encourage you to not offer an open statement such as, “Let me know if I can help.” Instead, get specific – ask if you can stop by the grocery store, run to the post office, tidy the kitchen, drop off a meal or pay for takeout. Offer to grab coffee or run an errand. For heaven’s sake – offer to walk the dog! In casual conversation, ask what challenges the person is facing in their given situation. It will offer you clues to how you may be able to ease that burden in a tangible and regular way for as long as you can. They may brush you off, so ask someone close to them. It is difficult to ask for help – so don’t wait for them to ask; they may never. Just act.
We all need a community, a home, that supports us in big and small ways, and we get that support first by giving it. Remember too, that the people who sometimes seem the most strong and most capable, actually need you too. Happy giving this holiday!
Dr. Summer Beattie, ND is a graduate of Bastyzr University. She has over 8 years experience as a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in women’s health with an emphasis on environmental medicine. Having served two terms on the board of directors for the Washington Association of Naturopathic Physicians, she has also worked in the medical aesthetics field since 2008. You can reach her at onehealingcenter@gmail.com or
907-209-4611.
